The Egg Expiration Clarification, or How To Avoid A Breakup
by Jlove32
Summary: A new take on S9E1 that avoids this whole messy break up ordeal. Shamy for the win!


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing of The Big Bang Theory or the characters I'm writing about. That honor goes to Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady. This work is intended only as an homage to the brilliance they have created.

 **Author's Note:** This is an alternative to the S9E1 we actually got. It is one way this whole break-up rigmarole could have been avoided. Ever since that episode I've had this monologue from Sheldon running around in my head, so I thought I'd better get it written down. Of course we all know it didn't go this way, but oh if it had! This story assumes everything cannon up to the point the gang (including Sheldon who has come inside from the window) is all sitting around Howard and Bernadette's living room to watch Leonard and Penny's wedding stream from Vegas.

* * *

"Amy, I don't understand. Are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind." Sheldon pressed Amy for an answer, his confusion all too obvious on his face.

"That's because you're not giving me any space to think," Amy sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Well you should think fast because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're totin' around have a sell-by date!" Sheldon declared.

Amy was furious. Of all the things he could have said, he decided to go **there**? He had always mocked her desires for a future and now he was acting like he was concerned about them?! "Like you care about that!" she spat back at him, livid.

Sheldon sat up straighter and stared her in the eyes, his response coming out rapid-fire. "Excuuuuuse me, I most certainly do! The more advanced your age when we attempt to conceive the longer we can expect it to take and the lower the chances of our creating healthy embryos. For example at 33 years of age one can reasonably expect successful conception to take at least 6-9 months of frequent, unprotected intercourse, barring any unforeseen complications, and the expected length of time increases 10% per year after that. Assuming we wait at least a year after marriage to attempt conception, as couples often do to have uninterrupted time together before children, which I would prefer as well, that would already put your age at birth at 34. And of course the potential issues only increase for second or third children after that, as all births after 35 are medically considered higher risk. And those numbers are assuming we were to get married today, so push the dates out even further based on the currently-undefined length of this ridiculous break." Sheldon made air quotes around the word "break," rolling his eyes.

He finished and held Amy's gaze earnestly, not noticing for a moment that her jaw was roughly in the vicinity of her lap. Finally he took in her expression and looked around, startled to see all their friends wearing similarly shocked faces. "What?" Sheldon asked, confused.

"Uh, I think she's wondering where your pod is and what you've done with the real Sheldon..." Howard offered, trying to break the tension a bit. The truth was, that was what **he** was thinking. _Sheldon? Robot Sheldon talking about babies? Like, actual human babies conceived in a marriage? And marriage itself? Good God, what HAD he and Raj done?!_

It had to be at least two minutes before Amy found her voice. "Sheldon, dining room, now." Her tone brokered no negotiation, and Sheldon wouldn't have attempted in any case. He immediately jumped up to follow her out of the room. "And the rest of you, stay put! **No eavesdropping**. You have a wedding to watch." Amy directed the others.

"Oh man, that was so romantic, I just wanted to hear what happened next," Raj whined in frustration, turning around from the dining room door to sit back down in his chair as Amy had instructed.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-

They were no sooner through the swinging door before Amy rounded on him, voice an anxious whisper. "What the hell was that, Sheldon?"

"I don't understand." Sheldon replied, still looking at her with the same earnestness his face had shown in the living room. "What was what?"

Amy took a step towards him, eyes flashing "Why did you say those things? Those things about children...and marriage...and...and..." Her voice caught in her throat, and Sheldon realized her eyes weren't flashing as he had first thought in the lower light of the room, they were shining, full of unshed tears. "Because they're true," he said simply, taking a step towards her as well, reaching his hands out to gently grab her arms above the elbows, drawing her towards him. His brow furrowed, however, as she resisted his pull.

"No, you can't have meant all that..." she shook her head vehemently, "you don't...you don't want..." Amy lost her battle to hold back her tears and control her voice. Her breath caught again, and the next word was lost in a sob she tried to choke back. Sheldon pulled her toward him again and this time her resolve was weak. She came against his chest, elbows bent in front of her, hands between them. "You don't want that...you can't...you never..." her fisted hands beat weakly on his chest, punctuating each of her declarations. She took a shuddering breath and managed a whole sentence "You can't just say that now because you're afraid to lose me, Sheldon." Her hands actually pushed against his chest now, trying to put distance between them, but he would have none of it. With strength she never knew he possessed he drew her tightly to him, locking his arms behind her back.

"I'm not just saying it, Amy. You said you needed to re-evaluate our situation. Well I don't need to re-evaluate anything. What I want is you. In every way. I don't want a break. I want us planning our future together, like you told me you wanted months ago." Amy stared at him, wide-eyed, barely able to believe. "You really want those things?" she dared, her voice barely audible.

"I really want those things." He declared again. He dropped his head to her ear, his lips close enough that she felt them brush the curve of her ear as he spoke "I love you, Amy Farrah Fowler. I want to marry you, I want to make love with you, and I want you to bear our children. Be my wife Amy, please?"


End file.
